Children, particularly older children struggle to ‘blend’ into the ‘new’ household.  By bringing in a new ‘parent’ or ‘sibling’ into the household, the rules automatically change.  From a child’s perspective negotiating with one adult is very different than negotiating with two adults, even if the adults are in unison! 

Indications of how children are adjusting to their new family situations:

• Do the children know what to expect? What are the new household rules? Who is responsible for disciplining?  Does the child know how to go about changing a rule? For example will the child get better results if she asks step-dad for the extra helping of ice-cream, or to go to mom?  Clear expectations facilitate this on-going transition.
•  How much anger or resentment is the child displaying?  Is it safe for the child to express his or her anger or resentment toward the new situation?  Even well adjusted children need an opportunity to process their feelings.  Not everyone will get along perfectly at every moment.
• Do the children notice or make comments on how parents treat children differently. Specifically is one child favored over another child.
• Have the children behavior changed since their parents re-married?  Look for changes in school behavior, friendships, extra-curricular activities, eating habits, sleep patterns etc. 
• What role do the children want the step-parent to play? And does this match the role that the step-parent wants to play? Some step-children are looking for surrogate mother’s or father’s, other’s are looking more for a wise-older adult friend.  When the expectations are out of sink, problems are more likely to arise.
• Are the X’s, supportive of their child’s new family situation? If so, how so? Remember, divorcing a person may end the marriage, but parenting is a life-long job. Divorce is better thought of as a rearrangement, as opposed to an end.   

In addition to children struggling with the realities of a blended family, step-parents have their own issues as they take on their new roles.  Step-parents can have a whole host of reactions to their step-children.  Some struggle with the responsibility, become disheartened by the initial rejection, others don’t care for their ‘new’ children, other’s while liking the children, struggle to ‘really’ fall in love with them.  Frequently step-parents have different expectations of children and different parenting styles. Negotiating a team approach at best can be challenging.  Some things to keep in mind are:

• Be patient- children need times to learn and trust a new person especially someone who has just entered into their family.  Trust may take years to develop.
• Expect the expected – most children (over the age of 3) struggle with integrating their new mother or father into their family system.  Sometimes children feel that by accepting their new step-mother or step-father that it means they are being disloyal to their real mother or father. This is particularly true in the event of a parental death, or a nasty divorce.  Thus, as a step-parent, you will need realistic expectations. It is normal for a child to react with anger, hostility, resentment, confusion and a lot of testing for at least a few years. The older the child, the longer the transition period. Your job as a step-parent is to establish a safe framework from which your relationship with time can flourish.  
• Be reasonable – children whose lives have just been turned upside down often react poorly.  Thus, as you enforce natural consequences spend extra time talking with them about the situation at hand, and the larger situation.  Children need to know that you understand their perspective.  Punishment alone is not effective, and can make the situation worse.  Remember, children can be rebellious to get attention from their biological parents. Things will be not be perfect instantaneously; your job is to believe in the family’s ability to work things out.   

When seeking therapy, it is always preferable to choose a therapist who has experience working with the issue that you would like to focus on in treatment.  For instance, if you or your spouse are having trouble handling the new blended family, it is best to meet with a therapist who regularly works with clients struggling in this area.