A key component of a happy marriage is when both partners are able to accept the other person just as they are. This is not to say that the occasional nudge towards change is not needed, but rather an understanding is required that people are who they are, and that no one is perfect. Each of us has our own unique limitations.
In an ideal world, prior to marriage, one would take the time and ask oneself:
· Do I respect my partner?
· Do I enjoy my partner’s struggle? Meaning, do I enjoy the way my partner approaches difficulty.
· Can I live with my partners limitations? For example, she/he is allergic to nuts, thus I will have to have a nut free home. My partner struggles with a mental illness, and there are times when she/he will simply be unavailable to me.
· Am I happy with my partner, just the way she/he is? Or am I secretly hoping she/he will change with time.
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Unfortunately, life is not always this simple. Frequently, only after there are children involved, do you become aware of the full extent of your partner’s strengths and limitations. Parenthood changes people. And, after children, the concept of walking away isn’t so easy (financial and / or emotional dependence can be just as powerful).
If you are struggling with learning how to accept a partner’s limitations try the following exercise:
· Describe your partner’s limitation (s).
· Describe your partner’s strength (s).
· When is your partner’s strength a limitation?
· When is your partner’s limitation a strength?
· Which limitations of your partners are ‘his fault’ or ‘fixable?’ Does this make a difference to you?
· What are your limitations and strengths?
· Which limitations are fixable?
· How do your limitations impact your partner’s limitations?
· How do your strengths impact your partner’s limitations?
After you have answered all the questions, ask your partner to do the same thing. Now compare and contrast both sets of answers. How do the lists match? And Differ? Which of the strengths and limitations are most important to you and why? What was the marital contract that the two of you made when you first got together? Has it changed? And if so, is that part of the reason you are more bothered by his limitations. For example, if in the marital contract – which is rarely articulated – he was supposed to care for you financially, and in exchange, you were supposed to help him socially? But now that you have been together 10 years, you earn more money and thus his poor social skills bother you?
Usually there will be some slight differences. Often couples do not agree upon what is a strength and what is a limitation. Now, together talk about which strengths and weaknesses are most important to each of you, and why. Of the limitations that you decided were important to you, how changeable are they? Together, can the two of you develop a strategy of change..
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