Our hearts are fragile. They can break in so many ways: the death of a loved one, a failed relationship, loss of a job, shattered dreams, and countless others. Experiencing life fully, inevitably means experiencing loss, and losses need to be grieved. In an ideal world, it would be ideal if grief was always fully acknowledged, validated and supported by those around us. It would be wonderful if when we were hurting, those around us would express deep compassion and a commitment to our well-being. Sadly, this is not always the case. Far too often grief is minimized, misunderstood, discouraged, discounted, or even ignored. This is called disenfranchised grief. It feels very lonely and it hurts!

There are many causes of disenfranchised grief. Sometimes a loss is not recognized as really significant. Often people minimize important losses such as a miscarriage, lost employment, the diagnosis of an illness or developmental disability, pet loss, hair loss during cancer treatments or the loss of a child as they head off to college. Other times, people judge a loss, such as a break-up where one partner poorly treated the other or when family and friends never fully approved of the relationship in the first place. Frequently loved ones just don’t know what to say so they end up saying nothing or they urge the grieving individual to look on the “bright side” or “move on.” Sometimes we get in our own way by telling ourselves we should not be feeling such pain or that it is time to “get over it.”

Whatever the cause of your feeling alone in your grief, please know that your loss matters and you have an absolute right to be supported in your pain! Here are 10 helpful tips to get you started on a path towards mending a broken heart:

• Acknowledge your loss and the depth of your pain. Know that a broken heart does not simply mend if ignored.










• Own your loss experience. Only you get to decide if a loss is significant to you or not! No one else gets to tell you what, when, or how to grieve.










• Celebrate your wisdom in knowing that you need support. Mending a broken heart is really hard and it takes more effort and time then you might expect or want to take.










• Give yourself a break. Grief is not neat or easy so don’t expect that from yourself.










• Stand up for yourself. Do not cave in to the expectations of others. They simply do not know exactly what is best for you.










• Tell your story as often as you need. One of the primary ways we mend a broken heart is by exploring the meaning of what has happened to us over and over again. We are not stuck. We are doing our best to heal.










• Resist urges to manage grief through isolation or “drowning your pain.” Cutting yourself off from family and friends will not take away the pain. Resorting to alcohol, drugs or even food to try and smother or drown pain will make things infinitely worse. Grief can never be successfully avoided by trying to go over, under or around it. Get the support you need to take this difficult journey.










• Be creative in your attempts to heal. There is no one right way to grieve. Everyone has an opinion about what is best, but you are unique and so will be your path to healing. Try talking to loved ones or friends, attending a grief group, journaling, prayer, meditation, reading self-help books, visiting online support communities, talk therapy or anything else you believe could help. No one thing is likely to work perfectly, but with time and a combination of efforts you will mend.










• Don’t expect a perfect ending. Grieving hearts do mend, but this does not always look like what we had hoped or been led to believe. Often there is not a complete end to grief. There will be times, even after many years, when the pain will be intense. Some people need support related to a loss off and on for years or even a lifetime. This should not be judged, but rather acknowledged and honored.










• Have Hope! Believe that, in your own time, your heart will mend. Your pain will lessen. You will feel joy again. You will experience a full and meaningful life.